The following is a submission I wrote (a while ago) for the Babylon Bee that didn’t get published for obvious reasons. Still, enjoy:
Houston, TX – Jason Johns, chief strategist for the presidential campaign of senator Theodore Cruz, announced some highly controversial new appointments to the President’s Advisory Council on Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships in a news conference this week. Speaking on Thursday, Johns commented on the previous appointment of notorious left-wing personalities to the PACFBNP:
“This week some of us at the Cruz camp were discussing how we’re tired of having the government appoint hippy life coaches, ‘white witches’ and feminist bloggers as our council advocates. We’d like some properly balanced representation; guys who have a degree in something not related to feminism or gender studies. If Cruz becomes the president, we can finally do something about this. That got us thinking. We know that the liberal crowd hates everything conservative, from churches to chicken sandwiches. They want to silence conservatives…permanently. Conservatives are getting really ticked off about getting pushed around too, and would love a chance to push back. Why not give them all what they want? Why not use that to generate government revenue?”
Johns then went on to detail a proposal where some of the existing council would be relieved of their duties and replaced with well known and thoroughly loathed conservative personalities. Then, multiple persons from each side of the council would be selected randomly and thrown into a gigantic “negotiating dome” that would include a variety of dangerous elements and several caches of weapons. They selected “negotiators” would attempt to find one another, organize, arm themselves and then engage the other team in order to come to an “agreement” on policy and implementation.
“Can you imagine Rachel Held Evans chasing Dana Loesch with a trident in an effort to discuss faith-based initiatives? Can you imagine a morris-dancing cat lady from the Episcopal Church US running into Albert Mohler and having a passionate discussion on neighborhood partnerships with his compound bow?”
Johns described how the proceedings of the council would be televised in a no-holds-barred pay-per-view event in an effort to raise necessary funds for relevant government programs. “Conservatives and liberals hate each others’ guts. Why not remove the facade of civility? Would you pay to see that? Of course you would, and our initial market research confirms that you’re definitely not alone!”
The Cruz campaign didn’t publish the numbers that their market research generated. Johns did allude to the idea that if their plan were to be fully implemented with televised event prices at the level they were anticipating, the strategy would “make a significant impact on the national debt.”
The blog is still on standby as I’m still focused on pursuing pastoral work, but this was a quick and easy post to toss on here to keep some semblance of life.
Until Next Time,
Lyndon “there’s no ‘I’ in ‘satire’ ” Unger
